Everyone has their own divorce.\u00a0 Even people divorcing each other often have very different views on what went wrong, what could have been done differently, etc.\u00a0 Often, parties to the same divorce have different ideas about how to move forward.\u00a0 When divorcing couples have children, ideally, the children are of paramount importance.\u00a0 Handling parent teacher conferences after a divorce is a topic many people don\u2019t consider until the day of conferences.\u00a0 This blog post is written in the hopes of helping guide parents by discussing different choices and options parents have.<\/p>\n
While many people find their divorce to be an intensely personal and private thing, informing your child\u2019s teacher early in the process is critical. \u00a0 When away from you, your child spends more time at school than any other single location.\u00a0 Knowing your child is facing a shift or upheaval at home will allow your child\u2019s teacher to understand changes in your child\u2019s behavior.<\/p>\n
Note: while it is important that your child\u2019s teacher\u00a0knows\u00a0you are getting a divorce, it is not important for your child\u2019s teacher to know why you are getting a divorce. Leave those details to your counselor, or your best friend. \u00a0Do not use your hurt feelings to punish your ex through painting an unflattering picture of them to your child\u2019s teacher.<\/p>\n
Optimally, both parents attend their child\u2019s\u00a0parent teacher\u00a0conferences together.\u00a0 The focus should remain on the children, their progress in school, and any concerns the teacher may have about how the child is progressing.\u00a0 \u00a0You may decide ahead of time one of you will take the lead.\u00a0 Alternatively, you may both have questions.\u00a0 Attending\u00a0parent teacher\u00a0conferences together sends a message, both to the child and to their teacher, you are committed to co-parenting.\u00a0 While you may no longer be married, attending conferences together indicates you recognize and accept your joint responsibility to raise the child, and you are committed to their best interests.<\/p>\n
You may decide, for whatever reason, for one parent to attend\u00a0parent teacher\u00a0conferences and report any progress or concerns to the other parent.\u00a0 This works particularly well if this was the pattern before the divorce.\u00a0 Consider emailing any information you receive at\u00a0parent teacher\u00a0conferences, for a clear and complete record of what transpired.<\/p>\n
If you plan to each attend\u00a0parent teacher\u00a0conferences at different times, check with the school.\u00a0 Teachers may or may not be able to accommodate double bookings.<\/p>\n
While you may both have your child\u2019s best interests at heart, sometimes, couples just can\u2019t be in the same room.\u00a0 One option may be for one parent to go to the conference in person, and the other to be present via Skype or a cell phone.<\/p>\n
Of course, if you have a restraining order, no one expects you to attend conferences together. \u00a0Nor will you be expected to communicate information from the conferences to your ex.\u00a0 Make sure your child\u2019s school is aware of the restraining order if you are requesting separate conferences.<\/p>\n
Rarely, a new partner is appropriately invited to parent teacher conferences.\u00a0 Particularly the first few conferences after a divorce, the addition of a new partner is not necessary or helpful.\u00a0 Any information conveyed at the\u00a0parent teacher\u00a0conference can be conveyed later to new partners who also have a\u00a0place in the child\u2019s life.\u00a0 Bringing a new partner to conferences adds stress.\u00a0 Further, while you and your\u00a0ex know\u00a0your child and their needs, the new partner may need \u201cback story\u201d and history for context. \u00a0This can take up precious time. \u00a0As a general rule, the inclusion of a subsequent partner in\u00a0parent teacher\u00a0conferences occurs only in situations where the new partner participates\u00a0significantly in parenting the child.\u00a0 A second caveat, for the best interests of the child, both parents should agree to the inclusion of the new partner ahead of time.<\/p>\n
Parent teacher conferences are notoriously short.\u00a0 You may not have time to get to\u00a0everything.\u00a0 You certainly aren\u2019t going to have time to discuss possible solutions to problems your child\u2019s teacher tells you about.\u00a0 Consequently, it\u2019s a good idea to set aside some time after to discuss how you are going to address issues.\u00a0 This includes things such as how to make sure your child has the right\u00a0textbooks\u00a0at the correct home, better communication about due dates for things such as science projects, or a commitment to making sure your child is getting enough sleep.<\/p>\n
Especially if this is your first\u00a0parent teacher\u00a0conference, it is a good idea to set some ground rules.\u00a0 These should include, at a minimum, an agreement to maintain a child focus during the conference; an agreement to leave past hurts and old arguments at the door; and a commitment to discussing the information after the fact, keeping in mind your child\u2019s best interests.<\/p>\n
You may find that you and your\u00a0ex do\u00a0not agree on the importance of school. \u00a0You may find you and your ex don\u2019t agree on the importance of a particular concern your child\u2019s teacher has.\u00a0 That is okay.\u00a0 Disagreements probably occurred before your divorce, and will likely occur again.\u00a0 Pick your battles.<\/p>\n