{"id":2153,"date":"2019-03-16T00:00:07","date_gmt":"2019-03-16T00:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fdfamilylaw.wpenginepowered.com\/?p=2153"},"modified":"2023-04-26T16:19:09","modified_gmt":"2023-04-26T16:19:09","slug":"behavior-to-avoid","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fdfamilylaw.com\/behavior-to-avoid\/","title":{"rendered":"Toxic Talk: Four Behaviors to Avoid"},"content":{"rendered":"<article>No married couple enters into the bonds of matrimony with the intention of the relationship ending in divorce.\u00a0 Instead, couples enter marriage with the intention of being a forever couple.\u00a0 Unfortunately, this plan doesn\u2019t work out for a significant number of couples.\u00a0 There is little you can do about your spouse\u2019s choices.\u00a0 Common behaviors that may lead to divorce include adultery, chemical dependency, and vastly differing views on money.\u00a0 However, there are choices you can make, individually, and as a couple, to avoid certain behaviors experts say are predictors of divorce.\u00a0 These include:\n<ul>\n<li>Criticism<\/li>\n<li>Defensiveness<\/li>\n<li>Contempt and<\/li>\n<li>Stonewalling<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Objectively, people can agree that any one of these four behaviors leads to breaking down a relationship, rather than building it up.\u00a0 However, when two or more of these behaviors occurs in combination, the results on a marriage can be relationship ending.<\/p>\n<h2>Toxic Talk: Criticism<\/h2>\n<p>Criticizing your partner does not advance your relationship.\u00a0 However, you must understand there is a difference between expressing a concern and being critical.\u00a0 When you express a concern, you focus on the behavior.\u00a0 A criticism, on the other hand, focuses on the person.\u00a0 For example, consider a situation where one person finds themselves doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen most of the time.\u00a0 Expressing a concern might look like this:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI notice that I am the one who does the dishes most nights.\u00a0 I\u2019d really appreciate it if you could take the initiative to do the dishes more often.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This can lead to a discussion about household chores.\u00a0 Maybe the non-dish doing partner loathes doing dishes but doesn\u2019t mind taking out the trash or vacuuming the living room. \u00a0Together, the couple can work to find a solution suitable for both of them.<\/p>\n<p>Criticism, on the other hand, attacks the person, not the problem.\u00a0 Using the same hypothetical, a criticism may look like this:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI always do the dishes while you just sit there watching tv.\u00a0 You are so lazy and selfish.\u00a0 You never think about me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This type of statement is unlikely to lead to a thoughtful discussion about how the couple can find a satisfactory resolution to the problem.\u00a0 Moreover, constant criticism can lead to the next behavior that is a divorce predictor \u2013 contempt.<\/p>\n<h2>Toxic Talk:\u00a0Defensiveness<\/h2>\n<p>Defensiveness is the logical response to criticism.\u00a0 When someone feels attacked or unfairly accused, they often provide excuses in defense of their behavior.\u00a0 Unfortunately, the criticizer often interprets a defensive response as an indication their expressed criticism isn\u2019t being taken seriously.\u00a0 It is further heard as an inability to take responsibility for failures.<\/p>\n<p>An example of criticism from one spouse, followed by defensiveness may look like this:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow many times do I have to tell you to call the damn vet?\u00a0 I am sick and tired of cleaning up our cat\u2019s barf day after day.\u00a0 You keep saying you\u2019ll do it, but you never do.\u00a0 I can\u2019t rely on you for anything!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have to work, too you know!\u00a0 It got really busy at the office.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why you can\u2019t call the vet yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Deflecting and shifting blame do not contribute to productive discussions.\u00a0 Even if one partner begins the conversation by criticizing, the other partner does not have to respond defensively.\u00a0 Instead, they may take a different approach, such as:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re right.\u00a0 I did say I\u2019d call the vet.\u00a0 Work got busy and it completely slipped my mind.\u00a0 I\u2019ll put it in my calendar right now so I don\u2019t forget tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Defensiveness adds to conflict, while another response can help diffuse the situation.<\/p>\n<h2>Toxic Talk:\u00a0Contempt<\/h2>\n<p>Contempt is another form of destructive communication.\u00a0 Expressing contempt not only attacks the other person, it is used to place the speaker in a position of moral superiority.\u00a0 Experts identify contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce. \u00a0It can be expressed in any of the following ways:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Disrespectful communication<\/li>\n<li>Mocking<\/li>\n<li>Sarcasm<\/li>\n<li>Ridicule<\/li>\n<li>Name calling<\/li>\n<li>Mimicking<\/li>\n<li>Scoffing as well as<\/li>\n<li>Eye rolling.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Here\u2019s an example of how contempt may be expressed:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat do you mean you didn\u2019t bother to look for a job again today!\u00a0 Are you so flipping precious you are too good to work in a book store?\u00a0 I\u2019m busting my back trying to keep this family above water and all you do is sit around and play video games and day drink.\u00a0 You\u2019re pathetic!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Like criticism, contempt does not foster a loving and constructive conversation, where the couple works together to solve an issue.\u00a0 Interestingly, studies show couples that practice contempt for each other get ill more often due to weakened immune systems.<\/p>\n<h2>Toxic Talk:\u00a0Stonewalling<\/h2>\n<p>Stonewalling is often the natural response to contempt.\u00a0 When someone is subject to contempt, they may simply shut down and stop interacting with the person expressing contempt.\u00a0 They may choose to leave the room, ignore the speaker, turn away from the conversation, or engage in other behaviors to avoid the contempt.\u00a0 If a person recognizes they are stonewalling, they can break the pattern by saying, \u201cI\u2019m too upset right now to continue this discussion.\u00a0 Can we table it for today and revisit it tomorrow?\u201d\u00a0 This may also help the person expressing contempt calm down, so that a rational discussion can commence.<\/p>\n<h2>Are You Headed for Divorce?<\/h2>\n<p>Perhaps you recognize yourself or your partner in one or more of these described behaviors.\u00a0 Perhaps you have been living this way for a long, long time.\u00a0 No one can decide when or whether you should end your marriage or work to get it back on track.\u00a0 If you decide you are ready for a divorce, or a trial separation, contact the attorneys at\u00a0<a href=\"\/\">Fait &amp; DiLima<\/a>.\u00a0 We work with our clients to help calm the storm, so they can return to their lives focusing on what is important to them.\u00a0 We offer a full range of marriage and family law services, from separation agreements to mediation to collaborative law to divorce negotiation and litigation.\u00a0 Call us today to schedule a consultation at <a href=\"tel:+1301-251-0100\">(301) 251-0100<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/article>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>No married couple enters into the bonds of matrimony with the intention of the relationship ending in divorce.\u00a0 Instead, couples enter marriage with the intention of being a forever couple.\u00a0 Unfortunately, this plan doesn\u2019t work out for a significant number of couples.\u00a0 There is little you can do about your spouse\u2019s choices.\u00a0 Common behaviors that [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":16,"featured_media":5006,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[36],"class_list":["post-2153","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog","tag-divorce"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Toxic Talk: Four Behavior to Avoid | Maryland Family Lawyer<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Don&#039;t let your divorce spiral out of control. 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